Act I scene i

INT. BUFFY’S APPARTMENT

BUFFY, WILLOW, CLAUDIA, DAWN and XANDER are sitting round BUFFY’s breakfast table. CLAUDIA’s drinking a hot drink, DAWN’s munching on cereal.

DAWN: So, just, “I love you” then splat?

BUFFY: Uh huh. Love. Splat. Dead.

XANDER: Snappy, Buff.

DAWN: (brightly, through a full mouth of cereal) Still, at least you don’t have to worry about “will he call me in the morning”.

CLAUDIA: (gulping from her mug) You lot are awfully cheery considering last night.

XANDER: Ahh, barely hits a four on the Scooby scale. Maybe a four point five for that demon taxi driver on the ride home. With the . . . (mimes messed up tentacly scabby features) face.

BUFFY: Hey Mr casual, I’m the one who had Mr Stalkerman explode on me. It was . . .(shudders) gahh. Let’s say, not in my top ten romantic evenings. And I’ve been on dates in sewers.

DAWN: Any idea what made him go all instant cyclops? Any demons running away from the scene? Anyone looking all glowy-magicky?

BUFFY shrugs.

DAWN: I’ll book it. (Puts down her spoon) After I go to Bloomie’s with Bobbie. (puppy dog eyes to Buffy) I’m guessing, one guy going all lovey dovey then dead isn’t end of the world stuff, right?

BUFFY: (frowning) You want some extra curse to go with that jinx? (smiles) Ok, you go spend government money on cute outfits.

DAWN: It’s my sacred duty.

DAWN gets up and grabs her jacket. CLAUDIA gets up too and picks up her handbag.

CLAUDIA: I’ll go down with you. I could murder a cigarette.

DAWN makes a disapproving face.

CLAUDIA: (With a cheeky grin) I would have to join a mystical quest run by health fascists. Californian health fascists no less.

DAWN: Just don’t come crying to me when you’ve got lung cancer.

CLAUDIA: (as they go out of the door) I don’t cry.

The door closes.

XANDER: And there goes Claudia the emotion slayer. Kinda reminds me of Wes, back in the day. With the stiff upperiness.

BUFFY: Mm huh! (getting up) I’m going to grab a shower. I still feel like I’m covered in eyeball juice.

XANDER: (grimaces) Can we not say eyeball juice? I have (beat) issues.

With a half smile of apology, BUFFY walks to the bathroom. WILLOW’s staring into space and XANDER snaps his fingers close to her nose.

XANDER: Earth calling?

WILLOW: Mph? Oh, I was just thinking about last night. Thing is, I didn’t sense anything magicks-wise. But then I might still be off my game after the ghosties.

She glances over to an armchair, where LENORE’s ghost-cat-napping.

WILLOW: Though Lenore’s helping. (The sleeping cat gives a little prrr-mgknao and a happy shiver) Aww! It’s like I’m a computer with a virus and she’s the downloadable patch.

XANDER: (grins) Nice to know the geek inside’s till alive and kicking Will.

WILLOW: (bats his arm, playfully) Hey! She’ll be kicking you if you give her more cheek young man!

XANDER returns her playful look for a moment. Then his expression becomes more serious. He’s staring at Willow. He lifts his hand, hesitantly.

XANDER: Your lips . . .they’re so . . .

He leans forward, slowly. WILLOW can’t quite work out what’s going on.

WILLOW: Huh? What’s wrong with my lips? Milk moustache?

When XANDER’s lips are almost on hers, she suddenly realises he’s trying to kiss her. At that moment the door opens and ANDREW comes in wearing loose karate pants and a t-shirt saying “L'Impero Colipisce Ancora” [The Empire Strikes Back]. He’s sweaty. GILES is behind him, panting and sweaty too.

ANDREW: Hey guys, I totally kicked Giles’s . . . (clocking Xander and Willow’s almost-clinch) What?!

WILLOW pulls back, and XANDER snaps out of whatever weird head space he was in.

In unison {XANDER: What?!
{WILLOW: What?

LENORE leaps up from her snooze, hissing.

GILES: It’s good to know we’re all in agreement.

XANDER:Willow, I’m sorry, I . . . something happened there.

WILLOW: (resolve face) Durn tootin'!

ANDREW: It’s unnatural and wrong! How could you Xander . . . she’s your best friend! Tu es pazzo mi amici!

XANDER: Quit it! The bilingual thing, not helping.

ANDREW: I’m not . . . (beat) oh.

XANDER sits down heavily at the table, staring about him and scared. ANDREW grabs a carton of juice from the side board and starts to swig it.

XANDER: Must be a spell. A love spell. (Looks at Willow and points at her in a sudden fluster) It’s the jacket!

WILLOW: Xander, I wear this every day.

XANDER: (deflated) You sure you haven’t . . . enchanted it at all? You know, by accident. (beat) Ok, clutching at straws there.

WILLOW: (crossing her arms) Short ones.

GILES: (mopping his brow with a towel) If it’s not a redundant question . . . did you feel anything unusual?

XANDER: I was . . . (looks up at Willow) . . . in love with you.


CUT TO: EXT. STREET

CLAUDIA is walking along a back street, talking on her cell phone. She’s got a cigarette in one hand but is too caught up in her call to smoke much of it.

CLAUDIA: No sir. We . . . they . . . haven’t discovered what caused it.(pause) That’s all for now. I’ll call you back if I get the chance.

CUT TO: INT. BUFFY’S SHOWER

BUFFY is lathering her hair and humming, then starts to sing, happily, bopping with her shoulders.

BUFFY: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they’re like,
It’s better than yours,
Damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I’d have to charge!

CUT TO: INT. BUFFY’s BEDROOM

BUFFY is in a robe, toweling her hair dry, to the rhythm in her head, then she sings again.

BUFFY: Lala-lalala,
Warm it up,
Lala-lalala,
The boys are waiting…


CUT TO: INT. BUFFY’S LIVING ROOM

GILES is alone, reading a large leather-bound book and drinking a cup of coffee. We hear BUFFY singing from her bedroom. GILES sighs and rubs his forehead. He’s still in his exercise clothes.

O.S BUFFY: (muffled, from other room)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they’re like,
It’s better than yours,
Damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I’d have to charge!

GILES gets up and walks over to the stereo, he’s had enough of BUFFY’s Kelis attempts. He flips through several CDs, dissatisfied with the selection. He picks up one box, recognises a song, decides to try it. He sticks it on the player and settles back into his chair, looking a little stiff. Andrew’s clearly given him a good workout. As it were.)

SFX: Killing Me Softly by The Fugees

(GILES finds himself pleasantly surprised by the music. The door opens and CLAUDIA enters, looking around)

CLAUDIA: Oh, hello. Where’s everyone gone?

GILES: In various directions. But principally to research.

CLAUDIA: You’re being very mysterious. (She walks closer, a little sinuous sway to her walk, in time to the music. Then, under her breath) I like that in a man.

GILES: (absorbed in his book) Pardon?

CLAUDIA: (slight double take, shakes her head) Sorry, my mouth’s just running away with me. What did I miss?

GILES: That’s what I’m trying to determine. It seemed to be a love spell in its primary effects, and yet it only lasted a moment. Love spells customarily last longer . . . days even.

CLAUDIA: Love spell? (she licks her lips nervously, her eyes flicking over Giles’s face. She’s inching closer to him, very slowly, without either of them realising) Ah yes. Love.

GILES: (looking at her, curiously) Are you alright Claudia? You look a little under the weather.

CLAUDIA: (Meeting his look) I’m fine. (she rolls her shoulders slightly) I think someone’s turned up the thermostat a notch though.

GILES: Eh? No, I don’t think so. (He peruses his book for a moment) Hmm . . . and Xander was almost immediately aware of it. No, it doesn’t fit any love spell that I’ve heard of.

CLAUDIA: (undoing the top button of her shirt) You don’t feel the . . . warmth?

GILES: (lost in the text) There’s a few cold drinks left in the fridge if you want.

CLAUDIA sidles over in front of GILES, her hips now swaying, feeling the music. He starts as she places her hands on the book, pushes it down. Then she reaches up to her own shirt and starts to unbutton it.

CLAUDIA: I don’t want something cold.

GILES: Whatever are you doing?

CLAUDIA: Giving in. . . to what’s real.

Her eyes are riveted to him. Her hands reach out.

GILES: (jumping up and back in shock) Claudia!

CLAUDIA: (reading this as ardour) Yes! Oh, you feel this . . . you must.

CLAUDIA grasps GILES by the shoulders. He tries to pull away but can’t escape her slayer grip.

GILES: C..c..claudia, this is a spell!

CLAUDIA: Yes.(leaning closer) It’s our magic. I adore you

She pulls him in close for a kiss. GILES kicks backwards in a shock reflex, knocking over a chair.

O.S BUFFY: (muffled, from another room)What was that bang?

GILES: (still trapped in Claudia’s kiss) Mpph!

CLAUDIA pulls away and contemplates Giles’s face, stroking his hair while keeping him trapped in her powerful embrace)

CLAUDIA: I feel like we’re the only people in the whole world.

CUT TO: shot of Buffy, dressed and standing in the doorway from the bathroom. Her expression contains more horror and disgust than you’d think a human face was capable of.

CUT TO FIVE MINUTES LATER:

CLAUDIA’s sitting on the sofa looking mortified. GILES and BUFFY are standing. GILES’s shirt is missing some buttons and his mouth is a little red from CLAUDIA’s rough kiss.

BUFFY: (pacing) It’s pure, undiluted evil. I’m going to find it, make it pay my therapy bill, then kill it. Uber dead.

GILES: Er…quite.

CLAUDIA: Sorry. I don’t know what came over me (gestures to door) Shall I leave you to . . .

BUFFY: Probably a good idea.

CLAUDIA creeps out sheepishly.

GILES: (cleaning his glasses like they’ve never been cleaned before) Willow and Andrew are looking into this. I’m sure we’ll find an answer soon.

BUFFY: And until then . . . I’m going to put a lot of distance between me and everyone I know to prevent...(glances at the front door after Claudia, then at Giles) . . . terrible confusion.

BUFFY heads to the door.

BUFFY: I’m on my cell if you find anything. Yes. A long long walk, that’s what I need. Possibly to the next state.

GILES: Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little? It was all above board. Entirely mystical.

BUFFY: Yes, and I don’t want anything even slightly mystical to happen between (Buffy gulps, looks at Giles) bye!

BUFFY shuts the door behind her, leaning on it a moment, just in case.



Act I scene iv

BUFFY’s walking quickly along a busy avenue, tense and pissed off looking. She walks past a pet shop. Out the door of the shop comes CLEM, carrying a bag.

CLEM: Buffy!

BUFFY: (brightening) Clem!

They hug happily then pull apart.

BUFFY: Wow, what are you doing here?

CLEM: (hurriedly) I’m buying a . . . goldfish.

BUFFY gives him a sceptical look.

CLEM: Definitely not kittens.

A mewing sound comes from his bag. CLEM jumps.

CLEM: They’re for a friend.

BUFFY: (rolling her eyes indulgently) I meant in New York, Clement.

CLEM: Ahh! I moved here with Willy after Sunnydale. He said it was a good place for demons. No-one seems to notice the . . . (he gestures to his flaps of skip and other demony parts) But I never see him downtown, he hangs out in some dive in the Bronx . . . But . . . wow, I had no idea you were here! So, guess you saved the world huh? (makes boxing gesture)

BUFFY: Yup.

CLEM: Yay!

BUFFY: Oh, and we awoke slayers all over the world.

CLEM: Well how about that! Can I buy you a Frappuccino? Least I can do for the world’s best slayer!

BUFFY: Really, you don’t have to do the toady thing. I don’t mind about the kittens. But I wouldn’t say no to some caffeinated sugar.

Act I scene v

INT. COFFEE SHOP

BUFFY and CLEM are coffee shop sipping on long iced coffees. The BARISTA is a scaly green demon with tentacles)

BUFFY: Whaddya know. Starbucks has demon franchises.

CLEM: It’s more demon friendly than an actual demon franchise. Positive discrimination is out of vogue nowadays.

BUFFY: Check you out with your vogue-ing!

CLEM blushes modestly. Not that you can see him blush, with all the saggy bits of skin. BUFFY looks into her drink.

BUFFY: Hmph. I didn’t ask for sprinkles.

CLEM looks embarrassed.

CLEM: Uh, sorry. I’m shedding. It’s the pollution.

BUFFY makes a face and pushes her drink away. CLEM does a “sorry” smile and gestures to the BARISTA for another. BUFFY zones out for a moment.

CLEM: What’s up slayer? You don’t look your usual girl power self.

BUFFY: Oh, it’s probably nothing. Just another new evil in town. First there was this guy last night who said he was in love with me and his face exploded, then Giles…

CLEM: Oh no! Giles exploded?

BUFFY: Worse. (shrugs) No, he’s fine. I’m dealt. (beat) Dealing. (beat) Pushing it far out of my mind.

CLEM wrinkles his brow with concern and a bit of confusion. But he shrugs and continues.

CLEM: The exploding guy . . . he said he was in love with you? Where was this?

BUFFY: At some jazz club last night. Off Broadway somewhere.

CLEM: Funny Valentine’s?

BUFFY: Huh? Didn’t have you down as a jazz buff.

CLEM: I’m not but . . . (seriously) See, the (makes exploding gesture with his hands) has happened before. (brightly) But hey, you should ask Spike about this, he was there. I’m sure he can tell it better than me. (pause) How is he by the way?

The camera closes in on BUFFY’s face, a quick spasm of pain followed by her jaw falling involuntarily open with surprise, eyes widen, as she realises that CLEM doesn’t know that Spike is dead.

BUFFY: Oh.

End Act I

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EPPY 8:"SCATTERED", OUT TODAY!

"Bloody brilliant! The opening scene sets the standard and it keeps right through to the 'bloody' dramatic ending - literally." - Ferdy M on Scattered.